Words about sexual orientation and gender identity explained for families

This page is general information, not medical advice. Do Not Lose Hope does not provide counseling or crisis help.

Why do these words matter?

When your child shares who they are, the words they use are how they explain themselves. Learning them tells your child, "I am listening."

It also matters for their health. The CDC says family acceptance has been linked to positive health outcomes for LGBTQ+ youth (CDC, checked October 21, 2026). The same CDC page says LGBTQ+ youth face more bullying and violence at school than their straight peers. Home can be the safe place.

You may feel surprised, worried, sad or confused. Those feelings are common. You can have them and still show love.

What do the words mean?

These meanings are in plain language, based mainly on the Human Rights Campaign glossary (updated May 31, 2023, checked October 21, 2026), with gender identity from a Teen Line brochure and cisgender from Merriam-Webster. People use words in personal ways. The best guide is always your child. Ask, "What does that word mean to you?"

The big three ideas are separate:

• Sex assigned at birth: the sex (male, female or intersex) a doctor or midwife writes down at birth, based on the body.
• Gender identity: a person's inner sense of being a man, a woman, both, or neither.
• Sexual orientation: who a person is drawn to emotionally, romantically or sexually. It is separate from gender identity.

A fourth idea, gender expression, is how a person shows gender on the outside: clothes, hair, voice, behavior. It may or may not match what others expect.

Words about sexual orientation:

• Gay: attracted to people of the same gender. Men, women and nonbinary people may use it.
• Lesbian: a woman attracted to women. Some nonbinary people use it too.
• Bisexual: attracted to more than one gender, not always at the same time or in the same way.
• Pansexual: can be attracted to people of any gender. Some people use it in place of bisexual.
• Asexual: little or no sexual attraction to others. It is a range, not one thing.
• Straight or heterosexual: attracted to people of a different gender.

Words about gender:

• Transgender (trans): a person whose gender identity is different from the sex they were assigned at birth. Being trans says nothing about who a person is attracted to.
• Nonbinary: a person who is not only a man or only a woman. They may be both, in between, or outside those words. Not every nonbinary person calls themselves trans.
• Genderfluid or genderqueer: a gender identity that is not fixed in one category.
• Cisgender: a person whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth.
• Intersex: a person born with natural differences in sex traits, such as chromosomes, hormones or anatomy. Intersex is about the body, not identity.
• Transitioning: steps some trans people take to live as who they are. These can be social (a new name or pronouns), medical, or legal (new documents). Each person chooses which steps, if any.
• Pronouns: words used in place of a name, like he, she or they. Using someone's pronouns is a simple way to show respect.

Words about community and identity:

• LGBTQ+: lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer. The plus stands for other identities.
• Queer: a broad word for people who are not straight or not cisgender. It was once a slur. Many people have reclaimed it, but let your child use it first.
• Questioning: a person who is still exploring. That is a normal place to be.
• Two Spirit: a term some Native American and Alaska Native people use. The Indian Health Service says it does not simply mean Native and gay; many tribes had their own gender roles (IHS, checked October 21, 2026).
• Coming out: telling others about one's orientation or gender identity. A person may come out to different people at different times.
• Outing: telling someone else about a person's identity without their permission. It can hurt their safety, work and family ties, so do not do it.

What should I say in the first few days?

You do not need a perfect speech. Short and warm is best. These are our suggestions, not rules. Your child is the best guide.

Good things to say:

• "Thank you for trusting me."
• "I love you. That does not change."
• "I want to understand. Can you tell me more when you are ready?"
• "Who else knows? Who is it safe to talk to?"

Things that hurt, even when you mean well:

• "It is just a phase."
• "Where did you learn this?" or "Is it because of your friends?"
• "Do not tell anyone," said in a way that sounds like shame.
• Asking about their body or private life.

Respect their timing. Your child decides who else to tell, and when. That includes grandparents, cousins, school and your community back home. If you are not sure, ask.

Use their name and pronouns if they ask you to. You will make mistakes. Say "sorry," correct yourself, and keep going. Do not make it a big moment.

Take care of yourself too. Find another parent to talk to, a counselor, or a trusted friend. Many parents need time and support of their own.

Stay close and keep checking in. If your child talks about not wanting to live, or you are worried about suicide, call or text 988, or call 911 in a life threatening situation. See When your teen is struggling.

Does my culture or faith have to clash with my child?

No. Families from every culture, language and faith have learned to support an LGBTQ+ child. You do not have to choose between your family's values and your child.

The Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University studies how families, cultures and faith communities affect LGBTQ young people. It offers free family education posters in 11 languages (Family Acceptance Project, checked October 21, 2026). For groups in your own language, culture or faith, see Where LGBTQ+ immigrants can find affirming community and faith groups.

What does California law say at school?

California law bans discrimination in state funded schools based on sexual orientation, gender and other traits (Education Code 220, checked October 21, 2026). School suicide prevention policies must address LGBTQ youth as a group at higher risk (Education Code 215, checked October 21, 2026). If your child is bullied, put your complaint in writing to the school district.

Teens 12 and older who are mature enough can often get outpatient counseling without a parent's consent in California (DHCS BHIN 24-046, checked October 19, 2026). This can help a teen who wants to talk to someone first.

Words cheat sheet

Questions people ask

Did I do something wrong? Your child trusted you with something important. That says a lot about your relationship. What matters most now is how you respond, and the CDC links family acceptance to better health for LGBTQ+ youth.

Could it be a phase? Some young people's words change as they learn about themselves. That does not make what they feel today less real. Love them as they are now.

My child is under 18. Should they see a counselor? Only if they want to, or if they are struggling. Being LGBTQ+ is not something to fix. If they want support, look for an affirming counselor. See Where LGBTQ+ people can find affirming counseling.

We are immigrants. Does this affect our case? In some cases, being LGBTQ+ is part of an asylum claim. For anything tied to your case, talk to an immigration lawyer. See Immigration issues LGBTQ+ immigrants should know about.

Can my child change their name at school or on documents? See How to change your name or gender marker.

Who can help

Contact them to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

• PFLAG San Jose/Peninsula: (408) 270-8182, support@pflagsanjose.org. Free peer meetings, including Spanish and Asian and Pacific Islander groups on Zoom. Meetings
• Somos Familia: 510-385-9659, info@somosfamiliabay.org. somosfamiliabay.org
• Outlet (Adolescent Counseling Services): (650) 424-0852, intake ext. 108. Outlet
• allcove, ages 12 to 25: San Mateo (650) 226-7030; Palo Alto (650) 798-6330. allcove
• San Mateo County Pride Center: (650) 591-0133. sanmateopride.org
• The Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678678.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

Your love is the most important thing you can give. You can learn the rest together.