Helping your children cope when a parent is detained or deported

This page is about your children's feelings. For legal steps, see Keeping your rights as a parent if you are detained or deported. This is general information, not medical or mental health advice. DNLH is not a counseling service or a crisis line.

Why does this hit children so hard?

A child's bond with a parent is at the center of how safe they feel. When a parent is taken suddenly, children can feel scared, sad, angry or confused, sometimes all in one day. Some act out. Some go quiet. Both are normal reactions to a very hard thing.

The good news is real: children can recover, especially when a caring adult stays close, keeps life steady, and gets them the right help if they need it. You are that adult. If this feels like too much, you are not alone. Start with one step.

What should I tell my children?

Tell them the truth, in words that fit their age. Pediatricians say to lead with honesty, even when you don't have all the answers (American Academy of Pediatrics). Many children hold their worries back to protect the adults, so ask.

• Ask first. Find out what they already know or think happened. Gently correct what is not true.
• Say it is not their fault. Children often blame themselves. Say it clearly, and say it more than once.
• Be honest, even without all the answers. "I don't know yet" is a fine answer. Then say what you do know.
• Use "AND" sentences. Pediatricians suggest pairing the hard truth with comfort: "We don't know what happens next, AND I am right here with you." "I am scared too, AND we have a plan to keep you safe."
• Don't promise what you can't control. Avoid "Daddy will be home soon" if you do not know. Avoid "Don't worry about it."
• Speak well of the parent. Even if your child is angry at them, do not speak badly about their parent or family.

What do I say to a young child?

Keep it short and simple, and repeat it as often as they ask.

"Mommy had to go to a place for grown ups because of a problem with her papers. She did not do this because of anything you did. She loves you very much. Grandma is going to take care of you, and I will tell you when I know more."

Young children may ask the same question many times. That is how they make sense of it. Answer the same way each time. Hugs, rocking, singing and reading together help. If your child does not want a hug, staying close nearby still helps.

What do I say to a teen?

Teens will want more detail. Answer honestly with what you know. It is fine to say you don't know something. Offer to find out together.

Teens often feel anger and helplessness. Some try not to think about it because it hurts too much. Some stop trusting adults in authority. Let them talk when they are ready, and do not force it.

If your teen needs someone outside the family, see When your teen is struggling and Need to talk right now? For teens.

What reactions are normal?

These are common stress reactions, according to child trauma experts (National Child Traumatic Stress Network):

Behavior that looks like misbehavior, such as fighting or not listening, is often stress. Respond with comfort and calm limits.

How can I help day to day?

Small, steady things matter most.

• Keep routines. Regular meals, bedtime and school. Children cope better when they know what to expect.
• Help with sleep. Sleep problems are common. A calm bedtime routine, reading or a song can help.
• Name feelings. "You look sad. You miss Papa." Teach slow breathing and tightening and relaxing muscles. Help them use words for anger instead of hurting themselves or others.
• Make room for play. Games, sports, drawing and music help children work through stress. See Why play helps your child cope with stress.
• Keep comfort close. A favorite blanket, stuffed animal, family food or a photo of the parent.
• Keep family and culture alive. Language, traditions, food, music and faith. Prayer, if it is part of your family's life, can be a calm moment together.
• Limit the news. Keep violent news and videos away from children, including on phones. If they see something, watch it with them and answer questions.
• Keep siblings together when you can.

How do we stay connected with the parent?

Contact with the parent helps children feel safe. In person is best when possible. If not, phone and video calls, letters and drawings all count. Prepare your child before a call: it may be short, and the parent may look tired or sad. That is okay.

If the parent is detained, ask the facility how calls and visits work. If a child is in foster care, contact also matters in the court case. See Keeping your rights as a parent if you are detained or deported.

What should I tell the school?

Tell the teacher or school counselor what your child needs to know they are safe. You decide how much to share. You never have to share anyone's immigration status. California schools may not collect immigration status information except as the law requires.

• Ask what support the school offers, such as a counselor or a quiet place to go.
• If your child is afraid to go to school, talk with the teacher, principal or school nurse.
• Make sure your child's caregiver is on the school's emergency contact list. See Every child can go to public school.

When should I get professional help?

Trust your sense. Reach out if:

• Problems with sleep or eating last for weeks
• Your child cannot calm down, or stays withdrawn and unresponsive
• Acting younger keeps going or gets in the way of daily life
• School problems are new or getting worse
• Your child saw a frightening event, like the arrest
• You are simply worried

Start with your child's doctor or clinic. Pediatricians can guide next steps. Children under 19 can get full Medi-Cal in California whatever their immigration status (DHCS). In other states, ask your child's clinic or school counselor about free or low cost care.

Call your county: in California, every county has a mental health line (DHCS list). San Mateo County ACCESS Call Center, (800) 686-0101, any time, for residents with Medi-Cal or no insurance. Staff speak English, Spanish and Chinese, with free interpreters for other languages. Santa Clara County Behavioral Health Services Call Center, 1-800-704-0900. Santa Clara County also has youth wellness centers for ages 12 to 25.

Teens 12 and older in California can agree to outpatient counseling on their own if the counselor finds them mature enough (Health and Safety Code 124260). The counselor will usually involve a parent or guardian, unless that would not be right for the teen.

For more options, see Mental health help for your child in California and Mental health care without fear.

How do I take care of myself?

You are carrying a lot. Your children watch how you cope, so caring for yourself is part of caring for them.

• Take breaks from the news and your phone.
• Lean on family, friends, neighbors and your faith community. Let them cook a meal or drive to school.
• Talk to someone. The California Peer Run Warm Line, 855-600-9276, is free to call, text or chat. It is not a crisis line. Check its website for current hours.
• Supporting someone in pain can bring up hard feelings for you too. You can call or text 988 for yourself.

If grief is heavy because your loved one was deported, see Living with grief when a loved one was deported.

What mistakes should I avoid?

• Hiding the truth or saying the parent is "on a trip." Honest, simple words work better.
• Forcing them to talk before they are ready.
• Promising a return date you cannot know.
• Letting children watch arrest videos or upsetting news alone.
• Forgetting yourself. You need support to give support.

Who can help?

These are free public services and programs. Contact them to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

Anywhere in the United States:

• 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, 24/7/365.
• SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-4357, free, confidential, 24/7, in English and Spanish, for referrals to mental health and substance use services (SAMHSA).

Anywhere in California:

• Your county mental health line: see the DHCS county list.

For San Mateo and Santa Clara County residents:

• San Mateo County ACCESS Call Center: (800) 686-0101, 24 hours, TTY 711.
• East Palo Alto Community Counseling Center, youth and adult (San Mateo County Behavioral Health and Recovery Services): 2415 University Avenue, Suite 301, East Palo Alto, (650) 363-4030.
• Santa Clara County Behavioral Health Services Call Center: 1-800-704-0900.
• BrightLife Kids: free parent coaching by video and chat for California families with children 0 to 12. Not therapy.
• Soluna: free coaching, tools and peer support for California young people 13 to 25, in English and Spanish, with phone coaching in many languages. Not a crisis service.
• 211: free help finding local services in many California counties, but not all of them. See 211 to check yours.

Questions people ask

Should I bring my child to visit the parent in detention? It depends on your child and the facility's rules. Prepare your child for what they will see, and ask a counselor if you are unsure.

My child seems fine. Should I worry? Some children hold feelings in to protect the adults. Keep checking in gently, and watch for changes over the next weeks.

Is it okay to cry in front of my children? Yes. Sharing your own feelings in a calm way can help children open up. Pair it with comfort: "I am sad, AND we are going to be okay together."

Does a counselor ask about immigration status? BrightLife Kids and Soluna do not require immigration status (DHCS). County pages we checked do not say either way, so ask before you start.

What if my child blames the other parent or me? Listen. Name the feeling. Repeat that it is not the child's fault, and keep speaking kindly about the family.

Are there words I can use?

Your love is the strongest medicine your children have. You will not say everything perfectly, and you do not need to. Keep showing up. Hope grows in small, steady moments.