Living with grief when a loved one was deported

This page is not medical or legal advice. Do Not Lose Hope is not a clinic, a law office or a crisis line. If you are thinking about hurting yourself, call or text 988 now.

Maybe it happened fast: a check in, a traffic stop, a knock on the door. Maybe you had months of hearings and hope. Either way, the empty chair at the table is real. You may feel sad, angry, numb, guilty or afraid, sometimes all in one hour. None of that means you are weak or that your faith has failed. It means you love someone.

Why does this hurt so much?

There is a name for this kind of grief: ambiguous loss. Family therapist Pauline Boss named it in the 1970s. It is a loss that has no clear ending. A University of Minnesota article on her work lists family separation through immigration as an example: the person is gone in body but still very present in your mind and heart.

This kind of loss is hard because:

• There is no funeral, and no goodbye. People around you may not even see it as a loss.
• It does not end. You do not know if you will be together again, or when. The waiting can go on for years.
• It can leave you stuck. It is hard to grieve something that is not over. The article describes ongoing stress, confusion and a sorrow that keeps coming back.
• Your roles change. You may be raising children alone, earning for two, or translating for the family now.
• Other feelings pile on. Fear for your own safety. Anger at the system. Guilt that you are here and they are not.

You are not imagining it. This is grief, and it deserves care.

Is it OK to feel two things at once?

Yes. One of the ideas from Boss's work is learning to hold two things that both feel true:

• "They are gone, and they are still part of our family."
• "I miss them every day, and I can still have a good moment."
• "I hope we will be together, and I have to live today as it is."

You do not have to choose between hope and acceptance. Many people find they need both.

The same article lists other ways families build strength through this kind of loss: finding meaning, adjusting what you can control, rebuilding who you are, accepting mixed feelings, changing how you stay attached, and finding new hope. You do not need to do them in order. Start wherever you are.

What helps day to day?

• Name the loss. Say it out loud to someone: "My husband was deported, and I am grieving."
• Keep a routine. Eat, sleep and get up at about the same times, especially for children.
• Make space for grief. Set aside a few minutes to cry, pray, write or look at photos, then return to the day.
• Keep connected in ways that are steady and realistic. See Ways to stay close.
• Accept help. Let your church, friends or neighbors bring meals, give rides or watch the children.
• Limit the news and social media if it makes the fear worse.
• Mark the hard days. Birthdays, holidays and the anniversary of the deportation may hit hard. Plan something gentle for those days.
• Be careful with alcohol and drugs. They can numb the pain for a night and make it worse after.
• Pray, sing, or read words that comfort you if your faith gives you strength. Lament is a part of faith too.

When fear or panic rises, try Simple grounding exercises.

When should I get more help?

Grief is not an illness. But talk to a counselor or doctor if:

• You have felt sad, empty or hopeless most days for two weeks or more
• You cannot sleep, eat, work or care for your children
• You are drinking or using more to cope
• You pull away from everyone
• You feel that life is not worth living

Where can I find support?

Contact these to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

• Your county line. For San Mateo County residents, ACCESS: (800) 686-0101. For Santa Clara County residents, Behavioral Health Services: (800) 704-0900, then press 1. Both serve people with Medi-Cal or no insurance, with interpreters. In another California county, find your line on the DHCS county list. Anywhere in the U.S., you can call or text 988 when grief feels like too much. More options: Mental health care without fear.
• California Peer Run Warm Line: call or text 855-600-9276 to talk with someone who has lived through hard things. Not for emergencies.
• Kara, Palo Alto: grief support for children, teens, families and adults, with Spanish services and Spanish support groups. 457 Kingsley Avenue, Palo Alto. 650-321-5272. Office hours are Monday to Thursday 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. and Friday 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. Kara's site describes grief after a death and does not say whether it serves other losses or what it costs, so ask both when you call.
• Your faith community. Ask your pastor to pray with you and to help your church understand this loss. See When to talk to your pastor and when to see a counselor.
• Others who have been through it. Ask your pastor, school or a local immigrant support group whether there is a group for families who were separated.

How do I help my children?

Children grieve too, even very young ones. They may act out, become clingy, have trouble sleeping, or seem fine and then fall apart later.

• Tell the truth in simple words. "Papá had to go back to Mexico. It is not your fault. He loves you."
• Let them ask questions, and it is OK to say "I don't know."
• Keep them connected with calls, videos, drawings and letters.
• Keep routines at home and at school.
• Tell their teacher or school counselor what happened, so they can watch and help.
• Watch for signs they need more help, like big changes in sleep, eating, school or behavior that last.

Full guide: Helping children cope when a parent is detained or deported. Child counseling: Where your child can get mental health help.

Should we try to reunite?

That is one of the biggest choices a family can face, and there is no one right answer. Some families move to be together. Some stay apart for school, work or safety. Some wait to see if a legal path opens.

Before anyone travels, moves, or pays anyone to "fix papers," talk to a trusted immigration lawyer or DOJ accredited representative. A choice made in a hurry can close doors that might stay open. Free help: Free legal help in the Bay Area. Avoid scams: Warning signs of an immigration scam.

If your family is weighing whether to leave the United States, these pages may help: Talking with your family about leaving and Legal ways to move to another country.

How do I keep the household going?

Grief is harder when the rent is due. Take one step at a time:

• Food: Food help
• Cash help in an emergency: Where immigrant families can find emergency cash help
• Other local services: call 211
• Plan ahead for the rest of the family: Make a family preparedness plan

Ways to stay close from far away

Questions people ask

People say I should "move on." Should I? You do not have to choose between loving them and living your life. Ambiguous loss does not end on a schedule. Go at your own pace.

I feel guilty that I am still here. That is common. Talk about it with a counselor, your pastor or someone you trust. Staying for your children, your work or your safety is not betrayal.

I am angry at God. Many people of faith have felt this. Your anger can be part of your prayer.

Can I get counseling without papers? Yes. County lines and community clinics serve people with or without papers. See Mental health care without fear.

The distance is real, and so is the love that crosses it. Hold on to each other, and let others hold on to you. Do not lose hope.