How to tell if a relationship is abusive: a guide for teens

This page is information, not counseling or legal advice. DNLH is not a crisis line. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. If you are in danger, call 911.

What counts as dating abuse?

Dating abuse is when someone you are dating, or used to date, uses hurt or control against you. It can happen in person, online or by phone. The CDC describes four kinds:

• Physical: hitting, pushing, kicking, grabbing, choking, or trying to.
• Sexual: forcing or pressuring you into sexual acts or touching you without your yes. It includes sharing sexual pictures of you without your consent.
• Emotional: words or actions meant to hurt you, scare you or control you.
• Stalking: repeated, unwanted contact or following that makes you afraid.

It is more common than people think. In a 2021 CDC survey of high school students who dated, about 1 in 12 had faced physical dating violence and about 1 in 10 sexual dating violence in the past year (CDC).

What are the warning signs?

loveisrespect, the national teen dating abuse helpline, names these typical warning signs: checking your phone or accounts, putting you down, cutting you off from friends or family, extreme jealousy, explosive temper, any physical harm, controlling behavior, and pressure to have sex (loveisrespect). The list below puts those in everyday words, with a few more examples we added.

Ask yourself if your partner:

• Checks your phone, reads your messages, or demands your passwords
• Tells you who you can see, talk to, or follow online
• Gets angry or jealous when you spend time with friends or family
• Texts or calls nonstop to know where you are
• Calls you names, makes fun of you, or embarrasses you in front of others
• Blames you for their anger: "Look what you made me do"
• Threatens to hurt you, themselves, or your pet if you leave
• Pressures you to send pictures or do sexual things you do not want
• Shares, or threatens to share, private pictures or secrets
• Threatens to "tell" on you, out you, or report you or your family to immigration
• Pushes, grabs, slaps, or breaks your things
• Makes you feel like you are walking on eggshells

One sign does not always mean abuse. But if you see several, or if you feel afraid, trust that feeling. You deserve to feel safe.

What healthy looks like: you can say no and be respected. You keep your friends. You can disagree without being scared. You have privacy. You both feel free to be yourselves.

Is it my fault?

No. Abuse is a choice the other person makes. Nothing you wear, say, post or do makes it okay for someone to hurt or control you. Many people who are being abused feel confused, ashamed or still love the person. Those feelings are normal. They do not mean you deserve it.

Am I the one being hurtful?

If you read the list and saw yourself, that takes courage. Ask yourself: do I check my partner's phone, accuse them of cheating, put them down, or lose my temper and break things? You can change. Talking to a counselor, a school counselor or loveisrespect is a strong first step.

Who can I tell?

Pick someone who will listen without judging: a parent or relative, a school counselor, a coach, a teacher, a faith or community leader, or an older friend.

What a school counselor keeps private. In California, what a student 12 or older tells a school counselor is mostly confidential. There are exceptions, such as reporting child abuse, a clear danger to you or others, or when you agree in writing (Ed Code 49602). Therapists are also mandated reporters of child abuse (Penal Code 11165.7). It is okay to ask first: "What would you have to share, and with whom?"

Counseling without your parents. If you are 12 or older and mature enough, you can agree to outpatient counseling yourself in California. A parent is usually involved unless the counselor decides it would not be right (DHCS BHIN 24-046). allcove centers serve ages 12 to 25, free or low cost, mostly without parent consent: San Mateo (650) 226-7030, Palo Alto (650) 798-6330 (allcove).

How do I get out safely?

Breaking up can make a controlling partner angrier. Plan ahead:

1. Tell someone you trust what is going on and when you plan to break up.
2. Break up in a public place, with a friend nearby, or by text or phone if meeting feels unsafe.
3. Do not go anywhere alone with them if you are scared.
4. Change your passwords, turn off location sharing, and check for tracking apps.
5. Save proof: screenshots of threats, messages and posts, with dates. Store copies somewhere your partner cannot reach.
6. Block them if that feels safe, after saving proof.
7. Make a plan for school: who to go to, where to sit, how to get home. Use the safety plan below.

You can talk your plan through with loveisrespect or a trusted adult. The loveisrespect site also warns that your browser history can be monitored, so clear it or use a safe device (loveisrespect).

Can I get a restraining order as a teen?

Yes. In California, a dating partner or ex counts for a domestic violence restraining order, and anyone 12 or older can ask without a parent's permission. A judge may ask a trusted adult to help you (California Courts). There is no court fee, you do not need a lawyer, and a judge usually decides on a temporary order the same day or the next business day.

Free help with the forms: San Mateo County's Bay Area Legal Aid restraining order clinic (650) 358-0745, and the Santa Clara County Restraining Order Help Center (408) 534-5600 (San Mateo court, Santa Clara court). Worried about immigration? Read How to get a domestic violence restraining order and what it means for immigration.

What if they shared my pictures?

That is abuse, and it is not your fault. If the images were taken when you were under 18, Take It Down can help remove them from participating sites. It is free, you can stay anonymous, and you do not send the image; only a digital fingerprint leaves your phone. Tell a trusted adult. Save the messages as proof, but do not forward the images to anyone.

Does this happen in LGBTQ+ relationships?

Yes. Abuse can happen in any relationship, with any gender. A partner may also threaten to out you. That is a form of control. LGBTQ+ young people can talk to The Trevor Project 24/7: call 1-866-488-7386, text START to 678678, or chat (Trevor Project). See also Where LGBTQ+ people can find affirming counseling.

What if my partner threatens me about immigration?

Threatening to report you or your family is a way to control you. You still have the right to be safe and to ask for help. Hotlines and survivor agencies we checked do not list immigration status as a requirement. Some survivors of abuse may qualify for immigration protection. A free legal service can explain options: Immigration options if you survived violence, abuse or trafficking.

How do I help a friend?

• Listen. Believe them. Say, "This is not your fault."
• Do not post about it or confront the partner. That can make things more dangerous.
• Do not force a breakup. Ask what they want and help them think through steps.
• Share this page or loveisrespect.
• Get an adult involved if your friend is in danger or talks about hurting themselves. Call 988 for advice or 911 in an emergency. See What to do if a friend tells you they want to die.

What does my school have to do?

California middle and high schools must teach about adolescent relationship abuse and intimate partner violence, including early warning signs, at least once in middle school and once in high school (Ed Code 51934). Every school district must also have a process to take and investigate harassment complaints, and staff must step in when it is safe to do so (Ed Code 234.1). If your ex is harassing you at school, tell an administrator in writing and keep a copy.

Who can help?

• loveisrespect (national, for young people): 1-866-331-9474, text LOVEIS to 22522, chat at loveisrespect.org. Spanish site available.
• Teen Line (teens up to 19): (800) 852-8336, 6 to 10 p.m. Pacific; text TEEN to 839863, 6 to 9 p.m. After hours, calls go to adult counselors at Didi Hirsch (Teen Line). English only.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788 (thehotline.org).
• San Mateo County: CORA 24 hour hotline 800-300-1080 (CORA).
• Santa Clara County: Next Door Solutions 24/7, 408-279-2962 (Next Door); YWCA Golden Gate Silicon Valley 24/7 bilingual line 800-572-2782 (YWCA).
• Crisis: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Danger: 911.
• More: Which helpline to call, Where survivors can find counseling, and for teens who just need to talk, Teen talk now.

Contact them to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

Frequently asked questions

We have only been dating a few weeks. Can it still be abuse? Yes. Abuse is about how you are treated, not how long you have been together.

They never hit me. Is it still abuse? It can be. Control, threats, put downs and pressure are abuse too.

Will I get in trouble if I tell? You did nothing wrong by telling. If you are worried about what happens next, ask the adult first what they would have to share.

Will my parents find out if I call a hotline? Ask the person you reach about their privacy rules before you share names or where you live. Use a safe phone, or clear your history if someone checks your phone.

What if I still love them? That is common. You can love someone and still decide you deserve to be treated better.

We checked this information on October 21, 2026.