How to talk with someone you love about suicide

Do Not Lose Hope is not a crisis line or a counseling service. This page is general information, not medical advice. It is about starting and holding the conversation. If someone is in danger now, follow What to do right now instead.

Why should I bring it up?

Because asking can help. The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) says studies show asking someone if they are suicidal does not increase suicidal thoughts or behavior. Research also suggests that talking about suicide may reduce suicidal thoughts.

Someone who is hurting may be waiting for someone to notice. Your question tells them: I see you, and you can tell me the truth.

How do I get ready?

You do not need training to have this talk. A little preparation helps.

• Pick a private, calm time. A walk, a drive, a quiet kitchen table. Not in front of others, and not in the middle of a fight.
• Put your phone where you can reach it. Save 988 in it before you start.
• Know your next step. If they say yes, you will call or text 988 together.
• Calm yourself first. Take a few slow breaths. They will feel your calm.
• Speak their language. Use the language they feel most at home in. If you need help in Spanish or another language, 988 has counselors and interpreters.

You can also call 988 yourself first. A counselor can help you plan what to say.

How do I start?

Start with what you have noticed and why you care. Then ask the question directly. Here are some ways to begin.

• "I've noticed you seem really down lately, and you haven't been yourself. I'm worried about you."
• "Since your dad was detained, you've been so quiet. I care about you. Can we talk?"
• "You said something the other day that stuck with me. I want to check on you."

Then ask, plainly:

• "Are you thinking about suicide?"
• or "Are you thinking about killing yourself?"

Use the real word. #BeThe1To suggests asking it directly, in a non-judgmental and supportive way (#BeThe1To). We suggest skipping vague questions like "You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?" They make it easy to say no and hard to tell the truth. A clear, calm question shows you can handle the answer.

How do I listen?

How you listen matters more than what you say.

• Let them talk. Do not rush to fix it. Silence is okay.
• Take them seriously. If they say yes, believe them.
• Don't judge or argue. We suggest avoiding lines like "That's selfish," "Think of your mother," or "You have so much to live for." They argue with the pain instead of listening to it.
• Reflect what you hear. "It sounds like you feel trapped, like nothing will change."
• Listen for their reasons to live. #BeThe1To, a campaign of the 988 Lifeline, suggests helping them focus on their own reasons for living, not pushing your reasons on them. Maybe it is a child, a sibling, a pet, their faith, or something they want to see.
• Thank them. "Thank you for telling me. That took courage."

What if they say yes?

Stay calm. You already did the hardest part. Now:

1. Ask about safety. #BeThe1To suggests asking if they have tried before, if they know how they would do it, if they have a plan and when, and if they have what they would use. "Do you have a plan? When? Do you have what you'd use?"
2. If there is a plan and a time, or they have the means at hand, do not leave them alone. Call or text 988 together, or call 911 if they are in danger right now. Follow What to do right now.
3. Put distance between them and deadly means. Move guns and pills out of the home or lock them up. #BeThe1To says putting time and distance between a person and their method is an important step.
4. Do not promise to keep it secret. NIMH and #BeThe1To both say not to promise secrecy. You can say: "I love you too much to keep this to myself. Let's tell someone together."
5. Help them connect. Call 988 together. NIMH also suggests helping them reach a trusted family member, friend, spiritual advisor or mental health professional.

Here are words you can use:

• "I'm so glad you told me. You're not alone in this."
• "I want to help you stay safe. Can we call 988 together right now?"
• "Who else can we bring in? Who do you trust?"

What if they say no, or get upset?

That is okay. You did not make a mistake by asking.

• If they say no, believe them for now, and keep the door open. "Okay. If that ever changes, you can tell me. I won't freak out."
• If they get angry, stay calm. "I asked because I love you. I'm not going anywhere."
• If they say no but you still see strong signs, trust your eyes. Call 988 yourself for advice, and check in again soon.
• If you are still scared for their safety, act on that fear. Tell another trusted adult, and use What to do right now.

What if I am their pastor or faith leader?

People often go to a pastor, priest, imam or other faith leader first. That trust is a gift. NIMH lists a spiritual advisor among the trusted people who can help someone reach support (NIMH). Here are our suggestions for faith leaders:

• Ask the same direct question. Faith does not make the question wrong.
• Listen first. Avoid sermons, blame, or telling them their pain is a lack of faith.
• Pray with them if they want to. And connect them to care too. You can walk with them to a counselor, or call 988 with them.
• Know your limits. You can offer presence, community and hope. A trained counselor or doctor offers treatment. Offer both.
• Bring in their people. With their OK, gather family or friends who can check in.

For more on this, see When to talk to your pastor and when to see a counselor. For training for your congregation, see Free suicide prevention training for parents, teachers and pastors.

What if there is a language or culture gap?

In some families, mental health is hard to talk about. Some people worry about shame, or about what others will think. You can still ask. Here are our suggestions:

• Speak in the language they feel safest in.
• Use their own words for how they feel, like "tired of everything," "can't go on," or "a weight on my chest."
• You can name the stress out loud: fear about immigration, money, or a family member far away. Showing you understand can open the door.
• 988 offers Spanish (dial 988 and then press 2, or text AYUDA to 988) and phone interpreters in more than 240 languages.

How do I keep showing up?

The first talk is a start, not the end. NIMH says supportive, ongoing contact can play an important role in suicide prevention.

• Check in. Send a text the next day: "Thinking of you. How are you today?"
• Keep your promises. #BeThe1To says to commit only to what you can really do, and follow through.
• Make a plan together. A written safety plan lists warning signs, ways to cope, people to call, and how to stay safe. NIMH says a plan like this can lower the risk of acting on suicidal thoughts. See Make a safety plan for hard moments.
• Help with care. Offer to help find a counselor or make the first call. See Mental health care without fear.
• Care for yourself. 988 notes that supporting someone can bring up hard feelings. You can call 988 for yourself too.

Questions people ask

What if I say the wrong thing? Most people worry about this. Caring and staying calm count more than perfect words. If something comes out wrong, say so: "That came out wrong. What I mean is, I care about you."

Should I tell their family? Do not promise to keep it secret. If you are not family, tell them you want to bring in someone they trust, and ask who. If they are in danger right now, call 911 or 988.

What if they are a teen? Use the same steps. See also When your teen is struggling and Where a teen can talk to someone right now.

Can I talk about it in a group, at church, or online? Talking about suicide in public needs extra care. See How to talk about suicide safely in church, school and social posts.

Is there a card I can hold while I talk?

Who can help

These are free crisis lines and county crisis teams. Contact them to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, or chat at 988lifeline.org. Free and confidential, 24/7/365. Spanish: dial 988 and then press 2, or text AYUDA to 988. 988lifeline.org
• San Mateo County Crisis Line, run by StarVista (for county residents): (650) 579-0350, 24 hours. smchealth.org
• Santa Clara County Behavioral Health crisis teams (for county residents): (800) 704-0900, then press 1, 24/7. bhsd.santaclaracounty.gov
• Teen Line, for teens up to 19: (800) 852-8336, 6 to 10 p.m. Pacific time. didihirsch.org/teenline
• Other California counties: DHCS county list
• Other kinds of help, like abuse or drugs: see Which helpline to call.

Your question could be the open door someone has been waiting for. Ask it with love, and keep showing up.