How to talk with your teen about alcohol and drugs

This page is general information, not medical advice. Do Not Lose Hope does not provide counseling or crisis help. If your teen is already using and you want to know about treatment, see My teen is using drugs or alcohol: what help is out there?.

When should I start?

Now. The federal health agency SAMHSA says to start talking before your child is exposed to alcohol and other drugs. For many kids that is the middle school years, sometimes earlier.

Do not wait for a crisis. When you find a vape in a backpack, everyone is upset and the talk turns into a fight. Talks that happen on calm days feel normal. They also teach your teen that you are a safe person to come to.

You do not need one big talk. Many short talks work better. Five minutes in the car counts. A question during a TV show counts. Keep coming back to it as your teen grows.

What am I trying to say?

SAMHSA's "Talk. They Hear You." campaign gives parents five goals. Here they are in plain words:

1. Be clear that you do not want them drinking or using drugs. Say it out loud, clearly and more than once.
2. Show you care about them. Teens listen better when they know you are on their side, not just setting rules.
3. Be someone they can trust for real facts. If they know you will tell them the truth, they will ask you instead of the internet.
4. Show you are paying attention. SAMHSA notes that young people are more likely to drink or use drugs when they think no one will notice.
5. Help them practice how to say no. A plan made ahead of time makes it easier to choose well in the moment.

How do I start the conversation?

Pick a calm time. Side by side often works better than face to face, so try the car, a walk, cooking or a chore together.

• Start with their world. "What do kids at school say about vaping?" "Have you seen anyone drunk at a party?"
• Ask, then listen. Let silences sit. If your teen talks, do not jump in with a lecture.
• Say what you believe, in a sentence or two. "In our family, we wait until 21, and we never take pills that a doctor did not give you."
• Ask what they would do. "If someone offered you a pill at a party, what could you say?"
• End warm. "Thanks for talking with me. You can always come to me, even if you messed up."

If your teen rolls their eyes or says "I know, I know," that is normal. They are still hearing you. Try again another day.

Why do teens try alcohol or drugs?

Every teen is different, and there is rarely only one reason. Common ones are wanting to fit in, curiosity, stress, trouble sleeping, sadness or worry, and trying to escape something hard at home or at school. Knowing the reason does not excuse it. It helps you respond to what your teen really needs.

Teens also learn from the adults around them. The CDC reports that teens are more likely to drink when the adults around them drink or binge drink. If you drink, your teen is watching how and when.

If your teen seems sad, anxious or withdrawn as well, that matters as much as the substance. See When your teen is struggling and Signs of depression and anxiety in yourself or your family.

What does my teen need to know about fentanyl?

This is the most urgent fact for today's teens. Say it plainly:

• Fentanyl is extremely strong. The California Department of Public Health says it is up to 50 times stronger than heroin. The DEA says about 2 milligrams, an amount that fits on the tip of a pencil, can be enough to kill.
• You cannot see, smell or taste it. Fentanyl is mixed into other drugs and pressed into fake pills that look like real medicine. The DEA says never trust your own eyes to tell if a pill is real. The DEA seized more than 47 million fake pills with fentanyl in 2025.
• The only safe pills come from a doctor and a pharmacy. Not from a friend. Not from social media. Not "just half."
• Fentanyl is killing young people. In California, fentanyl contributed to 7,137 overdose deaths in 2023. A CDC study of teen overdose deaths in 2019 to 2021 found that 84% involved illegally made fentanyl, and about 1 in 4 involved fake pills.
• Friends can save a life. In that CDC study, two out of three teens who died had someone nearby, but most of those people did not respond to the overdose. Teach your teen to call 911 and stay.

Some teens think they are only buying a pill for anxiety, sleep or focus. Tell them directly that those pills are among the ones being faked.

What about vapes?

Vaping is still common, even as numbers fall. In the 2025 national youth survey, about 2 million middle and high school students used a tobacco product, and 5.2% of students used e cigarettes (FDA, June 2026). In 2024, the CDC found that almost 9 in 10 teens who vaped used flavored products.

What to tell your teen:

• Most vapes contain nicotine, and nicotine is highly addictive. The CDC says it can harm the parts of a teen's brain that control attention, learning, mood and impulse control.
• Not every vape holds what the label says. California's flavor law covers vapes whether or not they contain nicotine, and you cannot tell what is inside by looking.
• California law: vapes may only be sold to people 21 and older, and since December 21, 2022, stores may not sell most flavored tobacco products, including flavored vape liquids. Teens still get them from friends, older siblings and online. The law is not a shield. Your talk is.

If your teen wants to quit vaping, ask their doctor for help. Quitting nicotine is hard, and support helps.

What about alcohol and cannabis?

Alcohol is the drug teens are most likely to see at home and at parties. The CDC reports that in 2023, 9% of high school students said they binge drank in the past month, and about 16% rode with a driver who had been drinking. The CDC also lists slower brain development and memory problems among the risks for young people who drink.

Cannabis is legal for adults 21 and older in California. It is not legal for teens. Legal for adults does not mean safe for a growing brain.

What rules should our family have?

Clear rules help teens say no. "My parents would kill me" is an easy way out with friends. Talk about these together:

• Our family rule: no alcohol, vapes, cannabis or pills that are not prescribed to you until you are an adult, and no driving after using anything, ever.
• No riding with a driver who has been drinking or using. Ever.
• An exit plan. Agree on a text word, like "pizza," that means "come get me now." Promise: "Call me, and I will come. No questions tonight. We will talk tomorrow, calmly." Then keep that promise.
• Know where they are and who they are with. This is paying attention, not spying. Tell them why.
• Fair, known consequences. Decide them ahead of time, so you are not deciding in anger.
• Medicine safety at home. Keep prescription medicines locked up and count them. Get rid of old ones at a pharmacy take back site.

What if I find out my teen is already using?

Take a breath first. Talk when you are calm, not in the moment you find the vape or bottle.

• If your teen cannot be woken up or has trouble breathing, call 911 now. Give naloxone if you have it. For questions about what they took, call Poison Control at 1-800-222-1222.
• Start with care, not a verdict. "I found this. I'm worried about you. Can you help me understand?"
• Ask why. Stress, sleep, friends, sadness? The reason tells you what kind of help fits.
• Keep your rules and your love at the same time. Both can be true.
• Get help early. One talk with a doctor, school counselor or county line can help you understand what is going on. Help does not always mean rehab. See My teen is using drugs or alcohol: what help is out there?

If you think your teen is in danger of hurting themselves, call or text 988, or call 911 in a life threatening situation. See What to do right now if you or someone you love is thinking of suicide.

What should I avoid?

• Scare stories that are not true. Teens tune out when facts are exaggerated. The real facts about fentanyl are scary enough.
• Long lectures. Say it short, then ask a question.
• Shame. "What is wrong with you?" shuts the door. "I'm on your side" opens it.
• Talking only when there is trouble. Then every talk feels like trouble.
• Promising total secrecy if your teen is in danger. You can promise not to punish for calling you. You cannot promise to stay quiet if their life is at risk.

What if we speak different languages at home, or I am afraid to ask for help?

Talk in the language you are most comfortable in. Your values come through best in your own words. If your teen answers in English, that is fine.

Many immigrant parents worry that asking a doctor or school for help could cause trouble. Health providers in California must protect your health information, including immigration status. For details, see Is it safe to get help for drug or alcohol use if I am an immigrant? and Will my therapist share my information with immigration?.

Questions parents ask

Should I tell my teen I used drugs or drank when I was young? You do not have to share everything. If you share, keep it short and honest, and tell them what you learned. Do not make it sound fun.

Isn't it better to let them drink at home so they learn safely? The CDC counts any drinking under 21 as underage drinking, and California law makes it a crime for someone under 21 to have alcohol in a public place. Many families choose a clear "not until 21" rule because it is simpler for teens to follow and to explain to friends.

My teen says vaping is harmless because it is "just flavor." Most vapes contain nicotine, which is addictive. Ask them to read the label with you.

What if my teen gets mad and leaves the room? Let them go. Try again another day with something shorter. Showing up again is the message.

Who can help

These are free or public services. Contact them to confirm hours, languages and openings. Being listed here is not a referral or a promise of service.

• Your teen's doctor or clinic: a good first call. In California, children and teens 0 to 18 can get full Medi-Cal whatever their immigration status, if they meet other rules such as income. From January 1, 2027, many of them move to Medi-Cal Fee for Service, which changes how you find a doctor, not whether your teen is covered (DHCS). See Where your child can get mental health help in California.
• For San Mateo County residents: BHRS ACCESS Call Center: (800) 686-0101, 24 hours, TTY 711. For people with Medi-Cal or no insurance. Staff speak English, Spanish and Chinese, with free interpreters for other languages. You can call about someone you are worried about.
• For Santa Clara County residents: Behavioral Health Services Call Center: (800) 704-0900. Its youth substance use services are for ages 12 to 21.
• Other California counties: every county has a drug and alcohol access line on the DHCS county list.
• allcove (ages 12 to 25), for families near San Mateo or Palo Alto: free or low cost help, including for substance use. San Mateo (650) 226-7030; Palo Alto (650) 798-6330.
• SAMHSA National Helpline, anywhere in the U.S.: 1-800-662-4357, 24/7, English and Spanish, free referrals and information.
• Poison Control: 1-800-222-1222, 24/7, free, with interpreters.
• 211: dial 211 for local services in many areas. In California, 211 does not cover every county. See 211: free help finding local services.

You can also find help by topic on Which helpline to call.

Is there something I can print?

Every talk, even a short one, is a seed. Keep planting. Your teen is listening, and you are not alone in this.